I’m not perfect. No one is perfect. The idea of perfect is smothering if you let it. Perfect will drive you crazy.

I confess: I do not have a healthy relationship with food. It shouldn’t be a shock – no one that weighs 381 lbs is making proper decisions about food. Food was more than fuel for me – it was comfort, protection and a friend. My main coping was to eat, and eat – never in front of other people though, typically. I was/am a closet binge eater and it’s time I came clean about this. Time to let the doors open and air this all out to the world. No one should really be surprised anyway – again – 381 lbs.

I made a mess of my life because I was unwilling to change and could see no hope to get out of my own situation. I could eat an entire bag of chips, container of dip and box of cookies in one sitting – usually at night, and, usually in bed. Why did I think this was ok? I don’t know that I did but I certainly didn’t care. I would eat until everything was numb and it didn’t matter.

I would make trips to the grocery store and buy large quantities of junk food but I’d throw in paper cups or plates – you know, I wanted them to think I was throwing a party. “Oh no, this isn’t all for me, I’m having tons of friends over.” that kind of thing. But there was no hiding 381 lbs from anyone but myself. I never saw it, still don’t, in my mind. In my mind I’m normal sized like everyone else.

I would go to different grocery stores so they wouldn’t get to suspicious, as if it really mattered to strangers. I always felt like people were judging me based on the food in my cart but I couldn’t change. It was so easy to just fill it up with chips, cookies, cakes, candy and rarely did anything healthy make it into my home. Then I would just eat without caring, eat until nothing matter any more.

I don’t do that any more, haven’t for awhile now, but that person is still inside me and still makes poor choices. That happened today and I have some idea why. Stress. I get stressed and I reach for food – still. I’ve been doing so well with my eating but work was so stressful this morning that it all started with a muffin. Now on its own, I’m not going to say the occasional muffin is going to hurt. It’s not the muffin but the reason for the muffin that I call out. This was a giant chocolate chocolate chip muffin of despair. The stress pushed me into eating it because I couldn’t think of anything else.

That would have been ok – if it had stopped there. All day I was craving a chicken burrito of some sort, mainly again, from just the stress. Stress makes me think about food and I became too focused. I ate a really healthy salad for lunch and the opportunity to go out to eat was presented. The first place suggested was the better choice. They had a salad there that I not only like but was well within my calorie range, I would have even been able to have the little piece of bread that came with it. But the burrito craving took over and I suggested it – I agreed to the local Mexican chain place with the tasty, but greasy food.

I ordered a chicken quesadilla which probably could have fed three people. I did well though, I didn’t eat it all and stopped when I was full. I thought I was doing so well! Oh but wait – they have churros on the menu and who doesn’t love a churro? I hadn’t had one in years so I ordered one. I did share part of it with my friend but I wolfed it down. Sugar rush – sugar high. It’s not getting better from here.

Leave the Mexican place, head to the coffee house. I took the rest of the quesadilla with me, which I shouldn’t have done. I should have followed my new rule and just tossed it and walked away. We go to the coffee house and I end up with a large vanilla latte and an orange cranberry scone. I didn’t need the scone at all but I wasn’t really thinking any more. I just wanted to keep eating. Then as it’s getting near close one of the employees offers us free cinnamon rolls to go – so of course I take one. Free food is the best food plus my old self was in control for a bit there. I had fully planned to eat it as soon as I got home even though I didn’t need it.

Good news – I did not eat the cinnamon roll, I put it in my freezer. I put it in my freezer as a trophy to the fact that it didn’t get eaten. I’m not sure what I want to do with it because it’s a really good cinnamon roll and I feel guilty taking it now (which I know doesn’t really make sense). I’m either going to give it away or toss it. I don’t know yet.

The bad news – I ate the rest of the quesadilla… in the car.. driving home from the coffee shop. I couldn’t stop. It tasted so good and it reminded me of the good old days. Back when I was out of control and would eat at that Mexican place all the time – stuffing my face with so many calories it was horrible. Again – 381 lbs.

So when I got home, after throwing the cinnamon roll in the freezer, I decided to just take the rest of it out on the treadmill. It seems that while my foot is sore on the treadmill, it’s not making it worse and I needed to do something. So I walked and thought. Walked and decided I needed to put this up. Walked and listened to music and decided that I need a better way to cope. That I’m not perfect. That these things happen and nothing is lost. I’m not perfect and no one expects me to be. I walked off about 200 calories before stopping – probably about the same amount as the latte.

So here it is – the real me – the new transparent Angela. I’m doing no one a favor by painting this picture of everything going perfectly when it doesn’t. People need to know that everyone slips up and that it’s ok. You have to learn to move on, dust yourself off and keep going. It’s not all lost because you ate that extra piece of cake or you didn’t get your cardio workout in today. Just keep pressing ahead – I know I will.

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