I’ve been trying to live a different life for awhile now – since April of 2009 and every day it still seems like a struggle. I want to do the right thing, make the right choices and live a healthy life. I watch videos on YouTube of all these inspirational people who one day woke up and decided to do something about their life. They go out and start running or something and soon they are running more and more, eventually conquering marathons and tris. I do enjoy these videos but at the same time, in the back of my mind, I get that nag. Why does it seem so easy for them? It’s not possible that it was easy but still.. they make it look so easy.

I would love to start running, it’s a dream of mine, but I can’t seem to get past the injuries and overall poor status of my body thanks to years and years of not caring. My body is broken and I’m doing everything I can to fix it but that all takes a lot of time. I’m still learning to walk again following my latest surgery so any running I might want to do is far off in the future and that’s frustrating. I can’t even go for long walks or hikes, which is something I truly enjoy.

I pull the bike out now a lot, and while that helps – it’s not the same thing. There’s this drive inside me that I can’t seem to satisfy. This need to be doing things my body just simply isn’t ready for. Maybe I just need more muscle building first or something but I have to run. I have to do this and I have to find a way to stay focused so I can.

Rehabbing after any injury is frustrating because it’s never linear. You have lots of ups and downs and just when you think everything is getting better something else gets injured. Apparently spending 12+ weeks without using your foot can cause a lot of issues with the tendons and muscles and you can’t rush anything. Riding the bike is helping a lot with the rehab but, like I said before, it’s not the one thing I really want to be doing.

I hope in six months I can look back on this post and say, hey, I finally did it! Right now it seems like a long time out though.

It also doesn’t help that, apparently, in the last week I gained almost 10 lbs (according to my scale). I’m sticking with weekly weigh ins for the time being but I’d like to wean down to every 2 weeks and finally end with monthly weighing. I need to become less focused on the number on the scale and more on how I feel.

The last part of this puzzle is nutrition and all of that is still up in the air. Am I allergic to something? Am I not? I won’t even find out more on that until next week. I’m also tired of tracking calories and writing everything down. I want to trust my body and mind to tell me what to eat and what not to eat. There is no long term satisfaction in become so obsessed with food that I can’t enjoy life.

So while things might seem easy on the surface, they aren’t. I want to see more stories about the struggles because otherwise the picture isn’t complete.