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I’m usually very positive and try to stay that way about most things but for some reason I just hate weighing myself. It seems like it never equals up to my expectations and then I’m just mad about it. This week I weighed in and lost 1.4 lbs but instead of focusing on that being a good thing I just let it upset me because I felt like it should be more. It’s so much work – eating healthy, working out, watching everything – and to only see 1.4 lbs off it was just frustrating. I know I didn’t put the weight on overnight but I sure did put it on a lot faster than I am losing it.

I know overall I’m doing well, making gains at the gym, able to work out a lot longer now, lifting heavier things for more reps, that kind of thing. It’s just sometimes I miss not being worn out all the time and not getting to eat whatever I want. It won’t do any good to give in now because that won’t help anything.

I will do my best to stay positive most of the time and talk myself back up as needed but sometimes you just want a little time to be grumpy. Also I’m crazy craving McDonald’s which is odd and worrisome. I only ever crave it when I’m getting sick but I don’t think it’s that – at least I really hope it’s not that. The other part is that even if I did have McDonald’s it won’t live up to my expectations and I’ll be disappointed and sorry to have wasted the calories.

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I did my weigh in this morning and I’m down another 9.9 lbs which is awesome. Just have to keep going!

I’ve been trying to live a different life for awhile now – since April of 2009 and every day it still seems like a struggle. I want to do the right thing, make the right choices and live a healthy life. I watch videos on YouTube of all these inspirational people who one day woke up and decided to do something about their life. They go out and start running or something and soon they are running more and more, eventually conquering marathons and tris. I do enjoy these videos but at the same time, in the back of my mind, I get that nag. Why does it seem so easy for them? It’s not possible that it was easy but still.. they make it look so easy.

I would love to start running, it’s a dream of mine, but I can’t seem to get past the injuries and overall poor status of my body thanks to years and years of not caring. My body is broken and I’m doing everything I can to fix it but that all takes a lot of time. I’m still learning to walk again following my latest surgery so any running I might want to do is far off in the future and that’s frustrating. I can’t even go for long walks or hikes, which is something I truly enjoy.

I pull the bike out now a lot, and while that helps – it’s not the same thing. There’s this drive inside me that I can’t seem to satisfy. This need to be doing things my body just simply isn’t ready for. Maybe I just need more muscle building first or something but I have to run. I have to do this and I have to find a way to stay focused so I can.

Rehabbing after any injury is frustrating because it’s never linear. You have lots of ups and downs and just when you think everything is getting better something else gets injured. Apparently spending 12+ weeks without using your foot can cause a lot of issues with the tendons and muscles and you can’t rush anything. Riding the bike is helping a lot with the rehab but, like I said before, it’s not the one thing I really want to be doing.

I hope in six months I can look back on this post and say, hey, I finally did it! Right now it seems like a long time out though.

It also doesn’t help that, apparently, in the last week I gained almost 10 lbs (according to my scale). I’m sticking with weekly weigh ins for the time being but I’d like to wean down to every 2 weeks and finally end with monthly weighing. I need to become less focused on the number on the scale and more on how I feel.

The last part of this puzzle is nutrition and all of that is still up in the air. Am I allergic to something? Am I not? I won’t even find out more on that until next week. I’m also tired of tracking calories and writing everything down. I want to trust my body and mind to tell me what to eat and what not to eat. There is no long term satisfaction in become so obsessed with food that I can’t enjoy life.

So while things might seem easy on the surface, they aren’t. I want to see more stories about the struggles because otherwise the picture isn’t complete.

(Standard disclaimer: I’ve only been doing weekly weigh ins since I started the blog, about 8 weeks ago. I’ve been rocking this new lifestyle change since April of 2009.)

This was a good week for most purposes even if I was somewhat moody for a lot of it. I’m just really busy right now between work and all the preparations for surgery. Most of that is behind me now so I can just focus on a few things and let the rest just happen.

I was going to do an abs workout on Daily Burn but it was a bit more than I was looking for so I’m doing the Beginner Bodyweight one again until I have to take my post surgery break. I’m thinking about building my own little routine soon and following that.

So it’s numbers time! This week saw a loss of 3.4 lbs. Woo!

Week 8 Weight Chart

Today’s Weight: 248.1
Weekly Change: – 3.4 lbs
Total Change: – 14.7 lbs

Total Distance Traveled (biking and walking): 69.64 miles
Total Cardio Time: 254.47 minutes
Total Weight Lifted: 3780 lbs

So I am now below the 250 mark, which is still amazing to me. For the longest time I would think of 250 as this ultimate goal. This far off place where I knew I was going to make it. I always figured if I could get to 250 then I could do anything. Originally I had planned to wait until 250 to start biking but I’m so glad I decided not to wait. Nothing magical happened when I hit 250 though, but in my mind, it was one huge milestone.

I had my pre-op physical/yearly check up today (they decided to do both at the same time) and the good news is – I’m alive! 😀 Actually, everything checked out normal and the doctor said he was really impressed by my weight loss and with my determination to keep going despite my injuries, etc.

From checking the medical records since I started going there, I’m officially down 136 lbs from my highest weight recorded there. He was a little concerned about my knee because I would be so dependent on it post surgery. His suggestion was to rest it and if it’s not getting better, to call the suregon’s office and let them know what’s going on. It doesn’t seem too bad most of the time but if I’m up and around too much, I can feel it.

Since I have all the former physical therapy stuff from my other knee, I’m going to try doing some of that for this knee and see if it helps. I also need to get a lot better about icing it since I can’t take any anti-inflammatory medications.

I knew that once my pre-op physical was over that this whole thing would sink in – the whole idea that the surgery is happening and happening soon. After I got home from the doctor’s office, I ended up just laying on my bed for a little bit and decompressed. I’m pretty much as ready as I can be for the surgery, not counting the knee problem.

My doctor and I talked about what all had been tried and how surgery really is the next best option. It’s not like we didn’t try the conventional methods so it’s just time to get it over with. I’m at the point where I’m just ready to get it done and move on. I know the recovery plan won’t be easy or fun but I’m more focused on the long run now anyway.

The one thing I’m starting to do now is to really watch my nutrition because once I’m post-surgery, activity is going to be a lot harder. Less activity means less calorie burning which means I’m more likely to gain weight if I’m not careful. I refuse to give up what I’ve worked for simply because I need some recovery time. I just have to focus on my healthy eating skills and stay with that.

So this post starts the count down to surgery – 6 more days!

I just finished watching Spirit of the Marathon via Netflix Streaming and it’s a great movie and I highly recommend it even if you aren’t interested in running. It’s also available on Hulu for streaming.

This movie is more than just about marathons and marathon runners, at its core it’s about setting lofty goals and working really hard to achieve them and realizing that, with hard work, anything is possible.

They follow around a select group of runners at different levels, from beginners to pros, as they prepare to run the Chicago Marathon. It was nice to see the various levels and see the training schedules and commit that these runners have made. I really felt for the poor guy that got injured though, I know how that feels. I wanted to at least walk the Lincoln Half-Marathon this year but broke my foot instead. These things happen and in a way, I’m thankful that my injuries have come early on because I’ve learned how to deal with them and move on with life.

Overall I found the movie to be quite inspiring and I hope, someday, that I’ll be one of those crazy people out there running a marathon. For now, I have my eye on just getting to the point where I can start. I need to get my body repaired and recovered so I can do this. I would love to run a 5k before the end of the year – this was my one New Year’s resolution and I’m not giving up on that goal.

The movie really hit another spot for me too. This whole life change and weight loss journey feels a lot like a double or triple marathon. It’s a long way to go and you start to wonder – am I going to make? Can I do this? So you hit walls, you get hung up on plateaus, your body objects, all the things that can happen in a marathon. It’s about endurance, it’s about going the distance and staying on course. Slow down when you need to but never, never give up.

I now consider myself at the halfway point for my journey, at least mentally. This has caused me to really reflect a lot about how far I’ve come but also how far I have left to travel. I think it’s just common to think about ways to stay motivated, to keep pushing it, to reach for the final destination – whenever that happens.

I made the decision early on to not tie my healthy lifestyle to a specific weight goal within a specific time period. About the closest thing I have is hoping I’ll be close to a maintenance weight by the time I get my next driver’s license, which is in August of 2011. Once you add a timeline for weight loss you lose some control. You set yourself up for a possible fail and what do you do if you don’t make it? You could just give up. So why give yourself that kind of pressure? Slow and steady wins this battle.

If nothing else sinks in with you, just remember this, it’s a lifestyle change – not a diet, not a one time fix, but a lifestyle fix. This is how I am living my life. Eat healthy foods, get plenty of exercise, make friends, be social and enjoy yourself! Find a few things you love to do and do them whenever you can!

I’m only at a halfway point so I still have a lot of learning to do but I think I have some advice built up to share too and I’m going to try my best to post both sides on this blog.

Handy Tips for a Healthier You

  • Learn to forgive yourself
  • Know what is in the foods you are eating
  • Eat real food
  • Go for a walk
  • Eat less, move more
  • Write in a journal
  • Be accountable for your life
  • Don’t go it alone – get your friends involved or make new ones!

Time is really flying by! I can’t believe I’ve been posting to this blog for 5 weeks – amazing. Now on to the stats run down, another loss for this week. Yay!

Weight Chart

Today’s Weight: 260.9 lbs
Weekly Change: – 2.1 lbs
Total Change: – 1.9 lbs

Total Distance Traveled (biking and walking): 93.19 miles
Total Cardio Time: 394.2 minutes
Total Weight Lifted: 1140 lbs

Tonight was the evening of many cravings and while I didn’t eat at my top form for health, I did learn a lot. It all started because I ended up working late and just outside our offices I knew there was a little street market going on and I knew someone would be selling BBQ. I was really in the mood for a BBQ pork sandwich and I actually had the cash to buy it. I had money in my desk still, left over from my vending machine days, so after debating for awhile I decided to just do it and get my sandwich fix. I was within my calorie goal for the day so that was fine. I really should have just bought the sandwich and not the cornbread muffin though but I was like a kid with a little spending money and couldn’t stop myself.

It made a great dinner and I’m glad I did it because I wanted to work a little later and it helped fill one of my cravings that I’d been having for a couple weeks. I’ve learned that sometimes when I true craving hits, it’s better to just fill that and make the calories work out rather than deny it. Denial just sends me into an eating frenzy anyway because my brain gets mad, throws a fit like a toddler, and I’m eating peanut butter by the spoonful.

The real lessons from tonight came later though, as I drove home from work. I got a really really strong craving for ice cream, which I’ve noticed has been happening a lot lately. I find this odd because normally ice cream isn’t high on my favorite treat list, but this was undeniable and once again I gave in – fearing the aforementioned peanut butter problem. I drove to DQ, just as a storm was hitting, and ordered a small cookie dough blizzard. This isn’t even what I really wanted but I was in the drive-thru and hadn’t been to DQ in so long that I panicked and just ordered the first thing I saw that sounded close to what I wanted. So I drove home in the rain and thought about how nice it was going to be to have some ice cream with full plans to hit the exercise bike after I ate it.

I brought my treasure inside and started eating and something very odd happened. It was awful. One of the worst things I’ve eaten in awhile. It was super sweet, the ice cream had an odd consistency and I just hated it. So, unlike old me, I threw it away. Old me would have eaten it any way. Old me would have eaten it and offended by it’s lack of quality, would have eaten the peanut butter too – for good measure. But the new me, nope, the new me got mad at DQ and tossed it. The new me is now put off DQ and really has no desire to darken their doorstep again.

Then I marched myself downstairs, despite the awesome storm outside (or maybe because of it) and went my longest time ever on the exercise bike. 30 minutes and 9.3 miles. It was great – I listened to music and I burned off some of the sandwich as well as the horrible ice cream that I did eat.

Stupid ice cream.

One of the things I never really considered when I started my new healthy lifestyle was that I’d end up having piles of clothes that no longer fit – in a good way. So today marked the second time that I hauled everything out of the closet and dresser and divided it up between what fits and what doesn’t. All the clothes that don’t fit or won’t be worn again are piled into bags and donated at my local Goodwill. Below is a picture of today’s haul:

Bags of Donated Clothes

Another big change in clothing is that I no longer have to shop at specialty stores or order from catalogs. I can actually go into a store like Target or Walmart and not only find clothes that fit but also have choices. I once made the comment that the best part of all my weight loss is that I no longer have to shop at Catherine’s. There was only one woman there that was nice and overall shopping there was a horrible experience. Once you hit a certain size though, you are left with little options.

Yesterday I got a catalog in the mail from MiB Collection and when I looked at their sizing, I realized that I could only fit their smallest size and only about half the catalog even came in that size. My biggest rant about plus sized clothing is the cost once you hit a certain size, prices just skyrocket. I have some nice pants that costs me over $50 because my option were that limited. My clothing budget is breathing a sigh of relief now and so am I.